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Emotional Rollercoaster Tuesday, 13 February 2007

Posted by dragonzlad in Career, Life in General.
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I had gone to karaoke with my colleagues after dinner and some drinks earlier in the evening. It has been quite a long time since I had done that, the last being almost two and a half years ago with this girl that was keen to go out with me. However, unlike the last time, I decided against singing tonight. I definitely cannot sing to charm anyone at all. I’ll be lucky if my colleagues did not find excuses to go to the washrooms.

I think most Chinese in Singapore, Malaysia, Hong Kong and Taiwan would sing Mandarin or Cantonese songs. I haven’t listen to such songs for a long time except for the occasion times when I was giving friends a lift in my car. I’m usually very accomodating and would prefer to ensure that my friends or guests are entertained even if that means that I have to put up with songs that I usually won’t listen to. I don’t normally listen to them as most of them are often about unrequited love or love in general. However, it is very different for karaoke – I actually preferred to listen and watch Mandarin MTVs as original MTVs are often used unlike English songs where unknown models/actresses are usually used with no MTV-storyline whatsoever.

I couldn’t help but feel a little envious of my colleagues when I watched them sing. While I do not know what goes on in their personal lives away from public scrutiny, they certainly looked care-free and happy at that moment. I was envious as I can’t help but feel that I have always made my life difficult with my choices such as reading a new field of study for my first degree,  studying part-time while holding down a full-time job, and “abandoning” my first public-service career for one in the private sector.  I have often wonder why I would want to “squander” my youth on such pursuits. To achieve material comforts beyond the average Singaporean? To taste and hold success like those in the middle-upper class society? I wonder simply because sometimes I don’t think I might live long enough to enjoy the fruits of my labour. And the reason for that is in fortune telling.

I also feel the loss of my status, giving it up for an entry-level job in the banking and finance industry. I feel pained that I have to forgo my average* but comfortable income for a starting pay in the banking and finance industry. I feel anxiety when I know I have a property loan to service during the period that I am jobless while looking for a job. I feel these even more when I do not know if I will gain from this risky venture.

The oft-used cliche – nothing ventured, nothing gained – is definitely my personal motto right now. That’s what I tell myself nowadays whenever the anxiety sets in and trust me, it does so quite frequently. I also emind myself that I wouldn’t want to be like that certain person in his late 30’s or early 40’s  who comes to work only because he needed the income, who has a look in his eyes that tells me he regretted not leaving when he was younger or when he had a better chance of acclimatising and succeeeding in the private sector.

I tell myself that it has always been my nature to be the best that I can be, that I shall live a life without regrets even if I do not succeed from the decisions I make. I’ll probably be reminding myself of these constantly in the months ahead.

* comparing with my peers in my current organisation.

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